As you all know, the human who usually writes these blogs belongs to me, but today we’ve agreed that I should blog instead. The reason is, that this blog is all about me so for accuracy’s sake, it should come from me – “straight from the dog’s mouth” so to speak!
So I’ll start at the beginning. I struggle with the concept of past, but my human is helping me out. I found it quite easy to choose my human family. The Hairy Human came to the farm and looked at us pups. I liked the look of him, he was very calm and laid back which to us dogs, means easy to wrap around our little paw. So I marched straight over to him and placed my paw on his foot. He picked me up and took me home the same day!
I thought I was going to be in for a relaxing peaceful life with this new-age, short-haired, hairy hippy. I had absolutely no idea that the rest of his family would be nothing like him – I got placed in a manic household with so many kids coming and going it was confusing, yet invigorating and exciting. You see what I’d been hiding from the hairy human, is that I’m manic too! So I was just added to the heap of children and we all played manically together. It turns out only two of the children belonged to the Hairy Human and his wife, (The Happy Human), the rest were all borrowed and would go home to their own families each night. Me being special though, I stayed with the Hairy Human’s family all the time.
I soon found how to make the little humans laugh, I would stretch my front legs flat on the floor with my chin between them and shake my bum or I’d lick fresh snot from the baby’s nose, they even found it funny when I’d lie across all the toys they were trying to play with.
The original plan had been that I would live outside in the garden. The Happy Human thought that’s where dogs live! Obviously, I had a lot of training to deliver. I just stared and stared at her through the glass door, making her feel guilty to enter the kitchen, so she relented and said I could come into the kitchen on cold or wet days and put me a little bed down. I refused to lie on the bed and laid on the cold hard floor instead, whilst making little whimpering noises and putting my head on one side with my ears up (my mum taught me that). She decided I could lie on the living room carpet, but only while she was there. I let her think she’d won and accepted this for a day or two, then when she was sitting on the sofa one day, I sprang up next to her and gave her a big lick across the face then cuddled myself across her legs. She gave in straight away. I’d won. She was so easy to train. Good girl!
Once I’d had all my special puppy visits to The Vet I went for my first ever walk in the park. I had a complete sensory overload, I just wanted to see and sniff and touch and taste everything. Apparently licking poo as it’s coming out of another dog’s bottom is a definite no-no and I was never allowed to do that again!
Luckily, they kept taking me for walks, in fact there’s never been a single day that I haven’t been taken out – even when I didn’t want to go. Have you tried pooing wearing a rain-coat? It’s awkward and undignified. My humans take me everywhere with them, we go to parks, rivers, moors, beaches. I’ve even been on holidays with them in caravans. When they holiday abroad, I go on holiday to the Hairy Human’s parents. They are my favourite Old Humans. They feed me crisps and biscuits and cakes. Every time I come home, my humans have to give me extra-long walks to work the extra weight off which is just another bonus to me!
One of my favourite things is when anyone comes home from The Outside. They laugh at my excitement and say things like “We’ve only been five minutes” but I have no idea what these mysterious “minutes” are so it makes no difference to me. I just love to see them come back to me. They always come back no matter what, because I’m irresistible you see!
Another favourite thing of mine is Dog Agility. Can you believe, until we started doing Dog Agility, my human didn’t even realise how clever I was! She’d spent years trying to teach me to walk to heel and shut the living room door and thought my lack of progress was down to my intelligence! How silly – didn’t she realise I trained her to walk faster and close the door for me?
A few years ago, I stopped enjoying Dog Agility which is unusual for me because I love EVERYTHING! It wasn’t that I stopped loving it, but it had just become too painful for me. I’d always had pain for as long as I could remember, but as I’m a Labrador, I’m tough and never told anyone. When it became too bad, I started to feel miserable so my human took me to the The Vet (we dogs know him as The Interpretor) and he explained to her that I had arthritis and my Agility days were over. This didn’t bother me at all, because I was given special medicine to make the pain go away and I was given longer walks, swimming and even more cuddles. I loved arthritis!
Another of my favourite things is visiting The Vet. I always get lots of attention there and sometimes I’m given a special sleep which I love. Just a word of warning though – one time when I woke up, they’d pinched two of my teeth, so keep an eye on them. The most recent time I went to The Vet, was the day I woke up feeling the most poorly I have ever felt. I didn’t even want to go for a walk, in fact I couldn’t stand up properly. The Hairy Human, the Happy Human and the Funny Human all started crying and making such a fuss! I was almost happy to be so poorly because they were all cuddling me at the same time. I get lots of cuddles but usually only one human at a time. To have all three was lovely, I just wish I felt well enough to appreciate it. They took me to The Vet who spoke very kindly to me and he did all kinds of tests, then all three humans cuddled me again as he put something cold into my leg. It made me very sleepy and as my humans’ tears fell on me, I started to dream. I saw the most beautiful bridge sparkling over water. The sun was shining off it and making beautiful rainbow colours. All my pain drifted away and I was able to run towards the bridge. As I crossed over I saw lots of other dogs on the other side, all running around in the sun and having fun.
It’s strange, I thought I’d miss my humans, but because I have no concept of time, I’m happy to play while I wait for them. I know that they will be with me again and the other dogs have told me that I will know when that time has come. In the meantime, I am completely pain free and having so much fun. My only worry is that there is nobody to lick my humans’ tears and comfort them. I hope they find a doggy who needs them as much as they need him and they can share all their love until it’s time to play with me again.